Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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