You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
