I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
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