I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
