Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
