I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
