i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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