So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
