I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
