new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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