but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
