Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So many bounce houses so little time
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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