This beer is not sobering me up at all
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
