dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
