Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
