Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
