and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
