just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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