Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
