I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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