seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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