We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
