Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize