I hate all girls vehemently.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
