You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
