Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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