we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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