One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
