Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My penis needs a shock collar
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
