sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
