Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
