why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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