not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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