so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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