I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
