Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
