This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize