I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Randomize
