Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
