she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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