i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
