I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
