How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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