She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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