it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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