she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
