Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
