Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The uberlube is also flammable
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
