great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
