I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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