U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
