it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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