Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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