Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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