I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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