sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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