We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
