Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
