the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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