You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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