she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
