i permit you to call me
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
