I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
