I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
