Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
