i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
pray to the hookup gods
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My vagina just clenched in fear
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
