he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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